im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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