How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
