Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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