And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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