I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
