12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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