I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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