a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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