a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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