How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
