mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
