porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
