So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
