she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
