Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
