I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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