just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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