sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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