Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
