So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize