I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize