Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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