my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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