Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She even gives head with a lisp.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
