i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
