The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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