Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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