just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
