someone get that fucking seahorse.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
