before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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