Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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