You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dick very happy bro
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
