Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
