you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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