He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
