I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Randomize
