Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
