u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
