So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
