I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
