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• (212): View more from New York

  ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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• (281): View more from Texas

  Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.

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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.

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• (599): View more from

  the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.

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• (250): View more from British Columbia

  Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered

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• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way

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• (917): View more from New York City

  last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine

  (773): View more from Illinois

  gross

  (917): View more from New York City

  like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please

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• (407): View more from Florida

  I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.

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