you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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