I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
