Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
