I accidentally had phone sex last night
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
