me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
