Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
