yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
