when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
