The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
