What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
