Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize