I am spending my child support on dildos
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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