Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
