After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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