My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
