I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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