I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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