no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
no, he came in my armpit
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
